I’m not much of a shopper. Take me to a mall, and I get sort of zombie–esque, staggering around, staring aimlessly ahead, wondering when I’ll get to eat (not brains, promise). I know that goes against all kinds of girl codes, but c’est la boring vie.

Online shopping, on the other hand? Sign me up. I can click links and read reviews and comparison shop for days (especially if it’s from the comfort of my yoga pants and sofa with a little Netflix in the background).

I feel the same way about glasses. When I have to go to the actual lens shop, I want to bang my head against those little rectangular mirrors that are always set at such strange angles. (Seriously? Why is this at a 45 degree angle two feet above my head? Why do you want me to know what I will look like if Shaquille O’Neal stands very close and looks at me in my glasses?)

Enter Warby Parker. You can try on glasses from the comfort of your own home, people.

And then you can ask everyone on the internet for opinions of which pair you should get.

Ready for more awkward selfies than you should be subjected to today? I knew you were. Let’s get started.

A few things you should know that I’m looking for in glasses:

1. Tortoiseshell frames
2. Kind of big without looking like I stole them from my grandma
3. Anti-reflective lenses so my friends don’t check their lipstick in them (but you’ll see that the try–on pairs don’t have these—have no fear, gentle reader; the real ones will be right)

Contestant #1: Durand in Woodland Tortoise

I like these because they meet my super–specific “kind of big” requirement; however, my husband chuckled when I put them on, so that may or may not be a good sign. Thoughts?

Contestant #2: Mallory in Gimlet Tortoise

Oh, Mallory. I loved you online. I really did. You were one of my top two when I was looking at glasses against a plain white background instead of on my face. Why do you make my nose look so long? Why do I feel like I should attach you to my person by way of an old lady glasses chain? I had such hope for you. Anything named after a character in The Babysitters Club is usually top notch in my book. I’m sorry we didn’t work out.

Contestant #3: Finch in Violet Magnolia

When I put these on, my husband’s initial response was, “Those are so Lauren.” He’s usually pretty good at calling these things. I love the shape, but I’m wondering if it’s too cat–eye (wait, is there such a thing?). I’m also 98% certain I named one of my Barbie dolls Violet Magnolia circa 1989, but that is neither here nor there. Thoughts?

Contestant #4: Chandler in Whiskey Tortoise (but I actually would prefer them in Olivewood—it just wasn’t available for home try–on)

These are a nice shape, but I’m having a hard time telling if I’d like them in the color I prefer or if that’s just wishful thinking. Too round? Or just too dark? Either way, I feel like James Joyce, and I’m not sure I like it. (Although heaven knows this post is getting to be just about as entertaining as Dedalus on the strand but without the beautiful way with words.)

Contestant #5: Preston in Gimlet Tortoise

Okay, Preston. You are the reason I ordered from Warby Parker in the first place. I saw you sitting there, minding your own business, and I thought, “You. You are the glasses I’ve been searching for all my life.* And now here you are.”

*for the last month or so, tops

But now you’ve arrived, and I just think you might be too straight across the top. You’re making me self–conscious about my eyebrows. But I keep coming back to you. I do. What is it about you? Do we belong together?

Well, what do you think? Is the Durand laughable? Should I go with my husband’s gut and get Finch? Or does Preston deserve a spin?

Or should I abandon all these options and go with the monocle?

Kidding. But weigh in on this, will you? I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Or another 18 months when my vision changes dramatically yet again, but whatever. ; )

PS: Do you even need the note about this not being a sponsored post? Or did you realize this blog was far too mediocre for such luxuries? I knew you did. That’s why we get along so well.